Feelings of guilt when informal care becomes too much
Do you feel guilty when you ask for help with caring for a loved one? Perhaps you think you should be doing it yourself. Or you’re worried that others will think you’re not doing enough. Feelings of guilt are common amongst informal carers. Precisely because you care so much about the other person. Asking for help can sometimes feel like giving up, whilst in fact it can help you to keep providing care. It means you recognise that the care may be too much for one person to manage alone. By accepting help, you can often remain involved for longer and in a more effective way. Nevertheless, it can be emotionally difficult to take that step.
What do you notice?
Feelings of guilt can cause you to keep doing more than is good for you.
You may, for example, notice that:
- rejects help whilst you are tired;
- you think you should be doing more;
- you rest whilst feeling restless;
- you feel responsible for everything;
- you are worried that your loved one might feel rejected;
- you find it difficult to let go of tasks;
- you judge yourself harshly;
- you are not recovering as well;
- you get angry with yourself or others.
Sometimes feelings of guilt arise in small moments. You step out for a moment, but your mind keeps wandering back to your caregiving responsibilities. Or you’re enjoying yourself somewhere and immediately feel guilty about it.
What might be the reason for this?
Feelings of guilt often stem from love, responsibility and a sense of connection. You want to do right by your loved ones. If that doesn’t work out as you’d like, it can be painful.
Expectations from family, culture or one’s social environment may also play a part. Perhaps there is a perception that care should primarily be provided by family. Or perhaps you have been taught that asking for help is a sign of weakness.
In addition, your loved one may be dependent on you. This makes it harder to distance yourself, even when it is necessary.
What can you do yourself?
It helps not to immediately accept feelings of guilt as the truth. A feeling can be strong, but that does not mean it is true.
For example, you could:
- write down everything you’re already doing;
- talk to someone about your feelings of guilt;
- ask for help with one specific task;
- allow yourself to recover;
- think about what happens if you become overworked;
- make clear arrangements with family;
- view assistance as a supplement, not a replacement;
- listen to your own limits.
Ask yourself what you would say to someone else in the same situation. We are often kinder to others than we are to ourselves.
When is it advisable to seek help?
It is wise to seek help if feelings of guilt are stopping you from asking for the support you need. Even if this is causing you to become exhausted or constantly push yourself beyond your limits, it is a good idea to seek advice.
Please get in touch if you are feeling down, worrying a lot or feel that you can no longer cope with your care.
How Rondom can help
Together, we’ll explore how feelings of guilt affect you and how you can accept help without feeling as though you’re failing. In doing so, we’ll focus on care responsibilities, boundaries, expectations and recovery.
Psychological Support can help you deal differently with feelings of guilt, responsibility and the pressure you put on yourself. A occupational therapist can help to strike a better balance between care responsibilities, energy levels and daily activities. A lifestyle coach can support recovery, sleep and circadian rhythm.
We are looking for a way to make asking for help feel less daunting and better suited to your situation. By also focusing on your own recovery and wellbeing, you are often better able to cope with your care.
